We all make mistakes.
We all question our decisions…especially the big ones.
Husband and I went into IVF having done all our research. We discussed all possible options, outcomes, and decisions thoroughly. After waiting that long and having our share of loss, we didn’t want to make a mistake.
That was the last thing we wanted.
We got the call that we had a good embryo and that we were going to do a 5-day transfer. We wrote down all of the important information and were on our way. We were nervous, but excited…it might finally happen for us. We were going to have a baby.
We got to the doctor’s office and got all situated (i.e. half-naked and in stirrups). We had to sign a bunch of papers and the Reproductive Endocrinologist came in to talk to us. We had spoken to our doctor earlier that day and we were definitely going to transfer that good embryo.
Then the R.E. on site mentioned that two of them were of the same quality and asked if we had any “economic, physical, or psychological reason for not transferring two embryos?” At this point, they could have transferred TWENTY embryos…we were high on estrogen. We had waited for this for so long that we didn’t even think twice…yes, put them both in.
Fast-forward 10 months to having two screaming babies in my house without a clue what to do to help them. All they did was cry. Okay, I may be exaggerating here, but things weren’t easy (sounds familiar, huh?).
We couldn’t figure out what to do.
We were sleep deprived.
We were hungry all the time…it was like we couldn’t eat enough food…EVER!
We were bickering (see all of the above for possible reasons).
We had no more family available for a visit to get a break (we just needed a freaking break).
We had no breaks.
Little did I know that I wasn’t producing enough milk and that I was, in effect, starving my children…nah…how would I know that??? Listen, I couldn’t believe they let me take them out of the hospital much less keep them without supervision!
So, it was late one night…both babies were unhappy…we were exhausted.
Husband turns to me, with tears in his eyes, and said the words that I had been sporadically thinking (and then quickly pushing them out of my mind):
“Did we make a mistake? Maybe we can’t really handle two…maybe we made a mistake…”
My heart dropped…he just uttered the words I’d been thinking for days, but couldn’t say aloud. His heart was breaking…my heart was breaking…we didn’t know what to do.
Then it stopped. They both fell to sleep. We fell to sleep. There was silence…peace.
We didn’t really talk about it after that. Things were hard…I realized I was inadvertently starving my children and we eventually turned to formula for sustenance – not all of us…just the babies. There were other times that we felt like we were out of our league, but we stuck with it…after all, what more could we do? This was our JOB…it was our job to parent these two Crazies!
So, you might ask why I share such a horrific anecdote…why I wouldn’t share something happy or cute rather than something horrible that made us question just why we chose to transfer two embryos instead of one. Here’s why…I think that through this journey of multiples (and I only have twins…I couldn’t imagine more), we all question our sanity at one point or another.
We all wonder just what the hell we were thinking when one baby is crying for more milk that just isn’t there and the other baby is screaming to be burped…when one baby is about to fall down and hit his head, but you’re in the middle of a very messy diaper change and can’t leave the changing table to stop aforementioned falling child…when you’re holding both babies in a random stroller-unfriendly locale and one starts to spit up on the other, poke the other in the eye, or wriggle out of your arms and you can’t do anything because if you did, you’d drop both babies. It’s at those points, that we question our sanity.
I just wanted to share this because I need to know that I’m wasn’t the only one who wondered if maybe we made a mistake.
Disclaimer: I love my Crazies. Please don’t question my dedication towards them because I posted this story about a passing moment. Oh, and if you didn’t have the choice…if this just happened to you rather than having a doctor to do it to you, then I’m sure you’ve questioned the sanity of a higher power and I’m pretty sure that’s pretty normal too! By the way, we didn’t make a mistake…best decision EVER!!!
Come visit me at Unexplained X2 if you want to know more about our Crazies!!!