The very moment I knew……
My pregnancy was not the picture perfect experience I had always dreamt it to be. I had a hard time bonding with the two babies growing inside of me. I wondered what type of mother I would become? Especially if I wasn’t that typical “glowing” mother to be? It took me 3 long years to get pregnant. I should have been overjoyed! I will be totally honest….I thought maybe I had made a mistake by going to the extreme to get pregnant. Maybe just maybe there was a reason I was infertile. God had made me that way for a reason. I was messing with destiny. Now I would have to pay the price. I didn’t even have the desire to name my babies! My husband did all the researching and naming. Of course I agreed, but it shows what state of mind I was in.
Then week 24 came, my frame of mind started turning around. I was half way feeling like a human being again. The excitement was slowly easing it’s way back into my head. I couldn’t &/or wouldn’t bring myself to purchase a single baby item before then. One day I told Todd it was time to shop for nursery furniture! Thank goodness I finally came around because I had no clue it would take 6 weeks to come in!
I had 2 manageable weeks before the preeclampsia set in at 26 weeks. I ended up having my babies at exactly 28 weeks by a scheduled c-section.
I still felt that detachment in the delivery room. Molly was born first without making a sound. Luke followed 2 minutes later with a kitten cry. They both were intubated and rushed to the NICU. I didn’t experience that motherly bond my heart so desperately longed for at that moment. It would be another 12 hours before I laid eyes on my babies again.
That evening I begged the nurse to please take me in the wheelchair to see them with my own eyes. The pictures my husband took no longer would do. That first look at my two 2 pound babies literally took my breath away! I could not believe how a baby that small could or would survive. They literally could fit in the palm of my hands. I left the NICU that night not knowing what our family outcome would become, but prayed to God every second I got to please bless me with bringing my 2 babies home.
Their second night of life Luke was placed on c-pap breathing support, so the nurse surprised me with asking me if I wanted to hold my precious baby boy for the very first time. Of course I jumped at that chance, but was very scared to handle my baby. His legs were literally the size of middle finger. At that point I knew I loved my son, but still didn’t feel like a Mother should really feel.
Amanda carefully placed Luke on my bare chest and at that very moment I felt it. It was electric! I felt a feeling like no other I had ever experience. It was the fulfillment I had been longing for. At that moment I felt the Motherly love I so disparately needed to feel.
Can’t you see it in my eyes? Pure bliss!
Be sure to visit Andrea at The Mays Twins.